Harody Parody Monologues
by Vindictive-Princess
Summary: Just when you possibly thought no more madness could befall the HPFF community...some sadist teenage girl decided to write Harry Potter monologues based on the OOC Characters in HPFF! Bwhaha..ha.
1. Slash Draco Monologue

The Harody Parody Monologues

Slash!Draco Monologue

(Obviously 1-part gay male)

5 minutes

* * *

Draco: I-- am a Malfoy. Malfoys do not cry, smile, show compassion, manually wipe their behinds, use inexpensive hair gel and we most certainly do not make dramatical interpretations on being a Malfoy. _Why_? Because we are Malfoys. However, there is one thing that I, Draco Malfoy, will admit to doing on a daily basis. And that, is engaging in hardcore gay sex with Harry Potter. 

I thrive off of not only the belittling of poorer wizards than myself (though it is one of the most important of my existence), but also the NC-17 detailed sexual encounters of myself and Harry Potter. Who wouldn't want to 'do the nasty' with The-Boy-Who-Lived? Those sexy eyes and that damn scar…(shudder) Of course, I could never truthfully admit to our liaison being consensual because Malfoys simply do not ask to do the hanky-panky with anyone. This, can be proved by simply reading any of my sadistic Father's 'romance' fanfictions. But never you mind what I decide to do in my four-poster bed. All I ask for is acceptance. Accept that you are not as intriguing and intoxicating as I am. Come to terms with the fact that I'm richer than the Queen of England and that I probably PMS more than she does. Ignore the fact that I am a sexy blonde beast and see my _manly_ needs…for other _men_. No heterosexual could possibly comb his hair to perfection as I do everyday. No heterosexual could befriend two savagely strong cronies and not have a hard-on every now-and-then. No heterosexual could wear my Louis Vuitton Handbag to Potions class and look as sinister as I do. _Why_? Because they are not Draco Malfoy.

I am not a closet case in the least; For in addition to not using inexpensive hair gel and manually wiping my behind, I--Draco Malfoy--do not believe in hiding anything. I do everything in the most effeminate way possible and pray that Pansy Parkinson catches on eventually. Recall the numerous occasions when I have ridiculed Weasley and Granger or such other lowly persons. Upon each occasion, I would gossip about their cheap clothing and about how much of a whore they were for wearing their robes as they did. I even snapped my fingers and rolled my neck around for the hell of it. Of course, these many details were overlooked in the typing of the Harry Potter manuscripts because of the lack of trees that Scholastic Books chops down from some Brazillian forest every year to mass-produce J.K. Rowling's books. (Sigh)

It takes a great deal of work to be a pompous asshole, but even a great deal more work to look good doing it. Perfection does not come overnight unless, of course, if you are a Malfoy. And since you aren't one, you couldn't _possibly_ comprehend the strenuous amount of effort it takes to present this image to an envious public.

And so, if you see me walking down the corridor sporting my Louis Vuitton Handbag and running my long manicured fingers through my silky smooth hair and I'm making seductive winks at Harry Potter, do not loathe me for what you could only dream of possibly becoming, but congratulate me for looking fabulously divine while doing it. That is all. I'm spent.


	2. Whore Hermione Monologue

Harody Parody Monologues

Whore!Hermione Monologue

(1-part dumbfemale )

5 minutes

* * *

Hermione: I don't understand; why is it that girls like Fleur Delacour are fawned over by men as if they are Greek Goddesses? Why is it that no matter how many OWL's I might receive in school, I--Hermione Granger--am the only girl who cannot woo a boy's affections? I suppose it must come to a deep analytical evaluation of what sets me apart from girls like Cho Chang and Fleur; there must be an underlined message that I keep overlooking as a successful female in Hogwarts society. Wait--that's it! I'm successful. I'm brilliant, witty and mature…and they just have big boobs!

Eureka! I have come to the conclusion of what I must do to become the girl that all of the boys love and all of the girls envy! I must become a whore! So long library pass! So long IQ of one-billion! All I must do is sell my Coochie for Gucci…then I'll be well-respected! Yes, the simplicity of it all! I'll find an enlarging spell for my boobs (points at boobs with wand) _Enlargo My Boobs!_ Ha! And my butt too! I want a J-Lo Booty! _Maximo My Ass!_ This is fabulous! Now I must straighten my thick knotty hair and steal some of Draco's hair products to achieve that glorious shine! I must dye my hair blonde, too! _Why_? Because knotty ginger hair is unsightly and no one wants a know-it-all with knotty ginger hair! I will fix my buckteeth and smile like I'm in a toothpaste commercial! Ooh! Yes, I know what else to do! I'll buy all of my clothing eight sizes too small so that when I exhale, my buttons will pop off my shirt and put someone's eyes out! I'll bee too sexy for my shirt…literally! Then I will sleep with everyone on the quidditch teams and I will get the nickname Granger the Human Doorknob! Bwhahaha! Bloody brilliant!

When I go into Potions, I will seduce Professor Snape and do the hanky-panky with him just because I'm a sex-goddess! And then the greasy git will give me the highest marks in the class! Who cares about statutory rape laws? I don't…that's who! We will shag everyday in the Filch's office like mad animals and everyone will know! Then…I'll stop answering questions in class and I'll say the first moronic thing that comes to mind! "I didn't knowNorweigan Ridgebacked Dragonshad wings!" My stupidity will be infamous and my reputation will proceed me evermore! And then I'll have friends! Everyone wants to befriend the idiotic blonde that sleeps with the teacher!

And then, years after my patheticschool years,I will become impregnated and I won't be quite sure who the father of my child will be! I'll go to muggle talk shows and weep my pathetic little eyes out when Maury announces "You are not the father" to the hundredth man I've brought on the show! I will be pitied and they will give me and my bastard child tickets to Disney World as a reward for my own stupid actions! Then I will go on welfare and smoke a pack of cigarettes a day and marry a trucker named Bob! My whole life is planned before me…this is so much simpler than studying for my Ancient Runes test!

Today marks a new era for Hermione Granger, ladies and gentlemen! Mark my words--never again will I be the girl that couldn't woo a man's affections! Never again will I be that Book-worm or that Know-it-All! I will change my name to Jessica Brittany Alexis Crystal Jamie Brooke Granger! All will suffer my wrath! Like Totally!


End file.
